Reasons Why 1/1
by phriendly11
Summary: Introspective on my view of what happened in the 48 hours before “ Nothing Important Happened Today”


TITLE: REASONS WHY  
  
AUTHOR: Hillary ( hkrobson@home.com  
  
RATED: PG-13 . Mild language, sensuality  
  
SPOILERS: Through " Nothing Important Happened Today." My take on what might have happened to provoke the powerful Scully line " He's Gone"  
  
SUMMARY: Introspective on my view of what happened in the 48 hours before " Nothing Important Happened Today"  
  
FEEDBACK: is adored, DISTRIBUTION is always welcomed, just let me know where, and DISCLAIMERS, though redundant, remain the same. Fox still owns X files. I still write fanfiction about a character no longer on the show.  
  
NOTE: Appreciation from my otherworldly beta reader, Jessica B. I love her because she is so talented, and she makes me look 10 times better than I am.  
  
  
  
" Where am I today? I wish that I knew  
  
' Cause looking around there's no sign of you.  
  
I don't remember one jump or one leap  
  
Just quiet steps away from your lead"  
  
45:01 ( 9:01 AM)  
  
The door closes, a soft sound, not a declaration, not a real sentiment, just a door closing.  
  
And Scully stands, looking around herself at the suddenly quiet world. There is a clock somewhere ticking, the baby mobile is turning, and drops of water are still falling in the shower, staccato, brief, making her shiver with each droplet falling to the tiles. The place on the floor that held his suitcases less than a minute- no, half minute ago is now ubiquitous, unassuming, a space on hardwood made unimportant by the simple fact that what had been there had now been moved.  
  
Scully turns, her existence no longer pointless, she is a mother, and has motherly things to do. There is no use in crying, no use in the expanse of energy needed to shed even one tear- and besides, she was already exhausted. William was always crying, fussing, content to replace the perfect baby image that had illogically been placed in her mind in television commercials for diapers, he was the reality of a baby: loud. She moves to his crib, her beautiful, sleeping baby with his father's lungs and fathers eyes.  
  
But it hardly matters now, because William will never know his father, and she will never see the man she loves again. Like a soap opera, she thinks, nearly laughing but catching herself before sound emerges from her lips. Forty five hours ago they had stood here, he had looked at her and kissed her, a sweet kiss. And at the time she thought that kiss was a beginning of a new life, a new existence, a future that contained mother, father, son.  
  
Little had she known it was the beginning of the end.  
  
39:04 ( 3: 04 AM)  
  
Mulders head is wrapped in a towel, a thick terrycloth turban Scully would laugh at if she were in better spirits. The living room is dark, the feelings inside surreal, the air thick with tension.  
  
" I'm going" He says as though it made sense. Somewhere, she knew, that to him it had to. Holding on was illogical, she knew that, he knew that. Now was the time for acceptance, not prostrations towards begging him to avoid the obvious path.  
  
" I know" She answers, surprised at the tone of her voice, even, as though they were talking of something common, something ordinary. Deep within she knows that it is - ordinary for him to be leaving, but not ordinary that she was being forewarned in advance.  
  
" I have a plane ticket, " going somewhere, she would finish, but he doesn't and her lips are sealed, tight. It is suddenly cold in the room, and her blanket gets clutched closer around her body.  
  
" Do you need anything else?" Her question is pointless, it's not angry, it isn't an accusation. She means money, she means clean clothes and shaving cream. She means anything that she might be able to give.  
  
The question goes unanswered. The baby is sleeping, finally sleeping. She stifles a yawn, does not look at Mulder, afraid at the betrayal looking might bring. Emotion, swelling inside her, is pushed down along with all her reservations. It rests alongside the accusations she would have made some other time, in the past.  
  
The past, that haunting memory of the time when the existence of " something" was placed in a dark corner, not exposed, not admitted. It was composed of longing glances, of angry recriminations, of getting so close they were too close and then seeing who would walk away first. That was a time Scully almost missed now, on this couch, opposite ends of the spectrum, made into strangers by the declaration of their emotion, that stupid, stupid emotion.  
  
" I'm not making excuses, here, Scully" He is not looking at her either. The towel on his head is slipping down slowly. In the pale light she sees his hands, still so beautiful to her, pushing at the thick white fabric in an attempt to keep it anchored on the center of his skull.  
  
" Other people make excuses, Mulder, you just always have reasons why."  
  
" I'll be gone in the morning."  
  
And that is that. She stands, blinks back the threat of tears, shedding the skin of the woman that loves him, the woman that will always love him. Scully does not face him, instead moves past, towards the kitchen, towards something other than the darkened living room.  
  
" You know, " She says, choosing her words recklessly,but speaking very softly so that she is unsure if he can even hear her. " never once have you claimed to love me."  
  
  
  
  
  
36: 08 ( 12:08 AM)  
  
Scully's eyes open, suddenly aware, alert. There is no cry from Williams crib. She settles into the silence, becoming familiar with minute sounds. Far off in the distance a clock is ticking, and beyond that, a soft sound of water coming from her bathroom. She reaches out an arm- finding nothing at her side but cold rumpled sheets. The pillow beside hers is empty, a few chestnut hairs scattered on the white linen.  
  
She pushes away covers, feet finding the floor and recoiling on the cool hardwood. Her mother told her she might want to rethink the wood, and find a new place with carpeting. "Maybe when you and Fox find a house", her mother had said with a wink, "you can get a nice, stain- resistant carpet. Hardwood floors and wobbly toddlers are a horrible combination, after all."  
  
She stands, careful to avoid the creaking boards and determined to be as quiet as she could be. William is sleeping, and he is a fitful sleeper, so much like his father. She smiles, and tiptoes across her room and into the bathroom. She turns the handle carefully, silently, and opens the door to the darkened bathroom.  
  
" Mulder?" She whispers. He's in the bathtub, curled up in a fetal like ball. His hair is sticking out in all directions. Concerned after no reply she moves to the side of the tub, and touches his shoulder gingerly.  
  
He recoils, surprising her slightly. She exhaled a breath that she had been holding unconsciously. He'd been jumpy lately, fidgety, not wanting to feel her fingers against his skin without good warning. His hazel eyes are open, surprised, glistening.  
  
" Scully." He breathes her name, and it sends a thrill down her spine, that familiar feeling she has gotten for so long she can't remember when it started. She crouches beside him, a warm expression on her face, a smile in her eyes.  
  
" I was cold" He explains, and he is still shivering. His eyelashes are wet, glistening in the slant of light through the window. She moves to reach for the light switch, and he makes a movement, causing the water to lap against the sides of the tub." Don't".  
  
" Are you okay?" Her question is feeble, but his words were strained, and it worries her. It's a tone she is instantly aware and apprehensive of. He's in the bathtub, in the middle of the night, and it is not normal. The lack of normality makes her nervous, and her hands are already trembling, wanting so badly to understand why it is that he is here, in the dark, and in the water. As she speaks it causes a reaction in him, a greater tremble, a wobbling of the lips, and tears, streaming down his already wet face.  
  
" I can't do this -". Emotion chokes his voice, and she stares a moment, blinks at him, suddenly aware of that sentence. As she leans back on her heels, away from him, she's completely attuned to what he means and what is coming next.  
  
" Let me help you." Is all she can say, and she starts to reach towards him regretting her distance. He moves away, wrapping deeper within himself, building a wall and blocking her completely out of it.  
  
Her lips purse, and it's a challenge to hold onto her tongue, it's a challenge not to hit him or grab him or make him realize. And she's realizing, slowly- always a step behind, that he's already a million miles away from her by now. He made up his mind in advance to this moment, and she can't believe she really didn't see it coming.  
  
" You can't help me, Scully" his tears are in earnest now, streaming down his face and she is powerless to stop them. There is nothing a touch or a word can say, not from her.  
  
" So you're leaving." Her voice is flat, it's immeasurable to her own ears the depth of her emotion. Her trademark, her cornerstone: the well- concealed heartbreak. She stares at him in the darkness, his glistening cheeks, his wet shoulders and legs sticking out of the water. I love you, she thinks, and it makes her angry that she can even think that right now.  
  
" Can't you see I'm a danger to you and our son?"  
  
There was always danger, and she knows she ought to say that. She knows those words could have meaning, could have importance.  
  
" No, Mulder, but I can see that you think you are one." She attempts to rise, legs aching from the cold tiles and her cramped position.  
  
" Alex Krycek told me something that you should know." He looks at her with a pained, plaintive expression.  
  
" I don't want to know what Alex Krychek said or didn't say." It is a stubborn comment, and she knows it. She rises now, her feet freezing on sub- zero tile. Mulder grabs her wrist, forcefully but without pain. She's tired of unraveling this incessant ball of thread. She was exhausted from the truth, of hearing it, of seeing it in the both of them now, the both of them victims of some otherworldly shit she never asked or wanted to believe him. He had her where he always wanted her, believing and wanting him to stay, and he wanted to go. Constantly distracted by the dreams of his own, exhausting her with his one sided devotion to the stars and the sky.  
  
" There had to have been a time when you got used to my being dead, Scully." She jerks her hand away, and it lands in the water.  
  
What that means is unclear to her, but what is clear is that the water he is sitting in is cold, colder than ice. It clouds her judgement, and suddenly she is crying. She leaves the room with him in it, still shivering, tears blurring her vision.  
  
" Please-" he says, and she does not turn.  
  
31:22 ( 7:22 PM)  
  
Mulder closes the door behind him nearly soundlessly, but she hears it anyways. It's amazing all the things she can hear ever since she's brought William home. It's as though her ears have developed an acute sense of radar.  
  
" Hey." He says, smiling awkwardly. She does not ask where he has been all day, she almost scared to know the truth. Mulder has his secrets, and for now it is okay.  
  
" Hey." She is in the kitchen, wearing a worn and wrinkled oxford shirt and a long skirt. Chopping vegetables, she watches him cross the floor over to her.  
  
" Can I help?" He doesn't really mean that, and she knows it.  
  
" I'm almost done." He leaves the kitchen to see William. She smiles, a warm, motherly smile. It's a role she's getting used to, but it still seems surreal to her. How did she get here, to this kitchen, with Mulder and their son in the other room as she cooks dinner-  
  
" How long has he been sleeping?" He interrupts domestic bliss and moves to where she is cooking.  
  
" About an hour. Are you hungry?"  
  
" Starving. " She looks up to find him looking at her, and for a moment it distracts her. It is an odd look, and she draws her eyes away, back to the vegetables in front of her.  
  
" Well good, " Her voice is slightly off key, and she swallows. " I'm making chicken."  
  
" That's perfect." He says, and sits on the couch, flipping on the television. She watches him as she cooks, wondering what he is thinking about, where he'd been all day.  
  
" Mulder?" He turns over his shoulder to look at her. She wants to ask him if everything is okay, but the words stop in her throat. " Are you sure chicken is alright?"  
  
" Of course, Scully. Chicken is fine."  
  
23:22 ( 11: 22 AM)  
  
She does not watch as he leaves the apartment, instead the baby is latched onto her breast, sucking noisily. His eyes are closed, in a sort of baby rapture that Scully warms to. She never knew how much love she could feel for this little boy, her son, her life.  
  
The phone rings and it is her mother, who wants to talk about simple things like baby formulas " Don't use them until you have to, you know that" , diaper rash " Dana, be sure to keep that baby's bottom clean and dry," and the problems mentally when one is losing continuous sleep." I want you to be sure Fox is letting you get some rest- is he there now? Can I say hello?"  
  
" Mom, he's gone out." Even though they are communicating through telephone lines, if Scully closes her eyes she can see her mother, frowning.  
  
" I had hoped that wandering spirit of his would cool down after parenthood."  
  
" He's only been a parent for less than a week mom. I'm sure he'll get in the swing of it"  
  
She frowns down at William, wondering about the false conviction in her voice. William is still happily suckling, oblivious to her and her mothers conversation.  
  
"Well, we know men, and it does take time. I'm just happy that everything has come together. Now, let's talk about those floors of yours, Dana."  
  
" Floors?" She asks.  
  
19:05 ( 7:05 AM)  
  
Sunlight filters in through the curtains and Scully yawns, looking over at her sleeping partner. His hair is over his forehead in a mess, and the soft sound of his breathing is filling up the room with sound. She takes a finger and traces it along his jawline. His eyes open and he stares at her, blinking sleepily  
  
" Good morning." She whispers, and William startles her with a loud whine. He's hungry, she knows it, and after pressing her lips to Mulders forehead she rises and moves to the crib.  
  
" I see he isn't a morning person either." Mulder mumbles, heading towards the shower.  
  
She reaches into the crib and pulls the screaming baby to her chest. Her nightgown parts to allow him access to her breasts. He latches on and begins to drink.  
  
It's a beautiful morning, and Scully is filled with a complacency she has not known in years. Golden light falls on the hardwood floors of her bedroom, and it's hard for her to stop smiling. Hearing water in the bathroom, she carries William to the kitchen and thinks about what she might like to make Mulder for breakfast.  
  
William finishes his breakfast and gurgles happily, tiny bubbles of saliva on his lips. He coos up at her, she coos back. She carries him to the crib in the living room and lays him down gently, spinning his baby mobile as she treads back into the kitchen to begin making breakfast.  
  
Mulder returns from his shower, hair plastered to his head and a towel slung around his hips.  
  
" Hey kid, " he says to the happy baby in his crib, " how are you doing."  
  
Scully looks at them, father and son, feeling a swell of emotion that she almost admonishes herself for.  
  
He turns to her, an odd expression on his face. " Sometimes, " he says " I can't help thinking this isn't real."  
  
" I know." She says, with a smile, but it fades when Mulders expression remains fixed. A plummeting feeling fills her stomach- fear.  
  
" I have a lot to do today," he's changing the subject, and instead of pressuring him she concedes to not force the issue.  
  
" Sure. How about some coffee?" She scoops dark beans into the grinder, turning her back to him, trying to stop the inexplicable panic that is filling every cell of her body.  
  
" I'd love it." She hears his feet move away from her, can almost hear the soft sound the towel around his hips makes as it falls to the floor. In the background, underneath the sound of her pounding heart, a clock is ticking, keeping a time that she is suddenly very afraid of.  
  
08:30 ( 8:30 PM)  
  
  
  
Feet propped on the coffee table Mulder turns to face Scully, a smile on his lips.  
  
" Tell me what it was like when you found out." He means when she found out she was pregnant. Everything had moved so fast in the past few weeks that details had been scarce and now they were discussing them, unwrapping them like presents.  
  
" Really I believed there was some error. I raised hell in the ER because I was completely convinced that my blood work had gotten screwed up with someone else. And I was scared about you, so I was even more hot tempered than usual. But then they sat me down, looked me in the eye and said they had a way to prove it, without a doubt. And that way ended up being an ultrasound- although William was small he was barely a speck and it took me a while to even see him. Ultrasounds are rarely protocol at barely 4 weeks of pregnancy, after all. I admitted it to myself, and although I was completely confused about how it was possible-"  
  
Mulder grabs her hand and arches an eyebrow " Didn't you think we were due a miracle?"  
  
We. She smiles, a secret smile that is vested in the conviction that we means something an awful lot like forever. Forever, this family, Mulder, their son, and her. A seed is growing inside her, one of hope for something that she never thought possible.  
  
" Sure we were." He kisses her, a salty- sweet taste that makes her tremble. She moves closer towards him, running her hands up his back and into his hair.  
  
They pull away when William makes a sound from his crib. They wait to see if he will cry and he does not, and again settle comfortably into each others bodies.  
  
" Do you think we can make this happen, Scully ?" The television is on mute, blue light fills the room and the apartment is silent past the even breathing between them. She is nestled into the crook of his arm and looks up. Half of his face is in shadow, the only thing she can see is the intensity of his eyes glittering in the darkness. "  
  
Until this happened I never knew how much I wanted it, Mulder. I never knew that we would end up here, I never even imagined it. I love you, Mulder. I won't ever be willing to let anything come between that love I have for you and for our son. And based on my conviction about this I'd say yes, we can make this happen."  
  
He tightens his grip around her but says nothing.  
  
  
  
0:00 9:01 AM  
  
" The truth that we both knew."  
  
Mulder kisses her then, and for that moment, everything is poetic to Scully. The horrible, once endless cycle has now come full circle, and she feels free to love him finally, to want this unconventional family. The break away from each other, she's smiling, he's looking at her intensely. And so this is this, Scully thinks, and it is not at all what she expected.  
  
The room is silent aside from the sounds of their breathing, but somewhere a clock is ticking, in the background, nearly undetected by her ears.  
  
  
  
FINIS.  
  
This piece heralds the probable end of my X-Files fanfiction writing carreer. Thanks to all that have been there through the years, and send a eulogy my way: hkrobson@home.com 


End file.
